Favorite

Grace '04 

Thanks for the turkey, if seasonal political figures of speech are admissible. Thanks for whoever came up with the idea of the little paper cup for the cranberry sauce. Thanks for spyware. For Vioxx. For $2-a-gallon gasoline. For Birdstone. For Ravel’s Bolero. For talk-radio blowhard inexhaustibility. Thanks for single-ply toilet tissue. And for the inspiration to buy not just one roll of it, but sixteen, in one of those bargain bundles, on sale. Thanks for a new generation carrying on the untiring tradition of bad barbecue. Thanks for the big Swift Boat smear. This year’s best example of how election campaigns bring out the best in us. For the vice president’s efforts to bring the f-word into polite mainstream discourse. For his sneer. For the president’s smirk. Thanks for the termites. Those fire ants have been a nice addition too. Silverfish in the underwear drawer. Thanks for the Road Map to Peace in the Middle East. A real keeper, that one. Thanks for the big effort from the U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team. And from the Cardinals’ offense in the World Series. Thanks for the Super Bowl boobery. For the addition of the bikini option at the Miss America pageant. Next up at Atlantic City — thongs? (Pardon that “up.”) Thanks for all of prime time TV’s attention to people vomiting. A foot in the door for more explicit depiction of other forms of elimination, you think? Thanks for the debates. They always provide such heat and light both. Thanks for the silver threads among the gold. Thanks for the outsourcing that’s made it necessary to know Hindi for the tech support to do you any good. Thanks for the aesthetic that inheres in modern timber management. Thanks for buff brick. Thanks for all the gumballs in the barefoot-walking area. Thanks for all the suicidal raccoons. Thanks for the pig taking the notion that it can live on the porch with granny. (I just write ’em, folks. I can’t explain ’em.) Thanks for the resurgence of creationism. Our boys and girls really need that classroom exposure. See, evolution is just a theory but Adam and Eve and Pinch-Me-Tight are fact. So who’s being hypocritical here? Thanks for the zombies, who come by here in various guises but they know that I know who they are. Thanks for the comeback of beheading. Maybe next year’s execution fad will be drawing and quartering, another old favorite long neglected. Thanks for all the songwriters, scriptwriters, speechwriters, sermon writers, editorial writers, spinners, propagandists, lobbyists, pollsters, soreheads and flacks who’ve got it all figured out. Thanks for allowing perfect idiots to think up stupid quotations and plaster them on billboards and attribute them to ol’ Thou. Thanks for letting hateful fundamentalist crazies debase and pervert the beauties and mysteries of the Christian faith the same way the fundamentalist Muslim crazies have shamed Islam. In the name of “morality.” “Values.” Thanks for the political ascendancy of all these people who have no talent, no humor, no taste, and no sense. They’re just what this country needs. What this world needs. Thanks for neocons. Cons is right. Thanks for the allegedly rare side effect of the so-called male enhancement drugs that results in woodies that last so long you have to go to the doc and get them drained with a big old needle. Thanks for more of the Jethrine tantrum illness. No, no, that’s mad cow disease, another ailment altogether. Never mind this one. Thanks for the red and blue polarization. As long as they’re not pinkos. Or gayos. Thanks for all the civility, the respect that each side shows to the other. Thanks for what’s happened to American journalism. A cast of characters that grows ever more sophisticated and restrained. Thanks for any and all who come forth with an agenda. Thanks for invariably sitting me beside the one who shouts into the cell all through dinner, with country music female as background, when I’ve got a headache. Thanks for all the patriots who think it’s a competition. Thanks for the South Fork Dallas reunion, one more reminder of a whole lot that we’ve tried to live down. Thanks for getting dangerous criminals like Martha Stewart off the streets and into prison. Thanks for pols like the governor of Arkansas being more than happy to make room for them by giving clemency and fond adieus to real thugs. Thanks for the steroid freaks who were once athletic heroes. Thanks for the $500 personal beverage cooler, saving the wear and tear of having to get up and go all the way into the kitchen. Thanks but no thanks for the cornucopia of etc. along these same lines.
Favorite

From the ArkTimes store

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • So much for a school settlement in Pulaski County

    The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's Cynthia Howell got the scoop on what appears to be coming upheaval in the Pulaski County School District along with the likely end of any chance of a speedy resolution of school desegregation issues in Pulaski County.
  • Riverfest calls it quits

    The board of directors of Riverfest, Arkansas's largest and longest running music festival, announced today that the festival will no longer be held. Riverfest celebrated its 40th anniversary in June. A press release blamed competition from other festivals and the rising cost of performers fees for the decision.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

July

S M T W T F S
  1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Another Jesus

    • Oh, please. Just a teensy bit self-righteous aren't you. You are. How do you KNOW…

    • on July 20, 2017
  • Re: Another Jesus

    • I'd also add, if God were real, he'd long ravaged the indoctrined cesspool who feel…

    • on July 20, 2017
  • Re: Another Jesus

    • I could've swore that Clinton's sexual escapades were consensual.

    • on July 20, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation