How hot is it? 

It’s so hot I was out fishing and the worms started volunteering. It’s so hot that I’ve been thinking that Nixon, on the whole, was not that bad a president. It’s so hot the tree frogs only sigh. It’s so hot I thought for a minute there I got a fleeting glimpse of the attraction of NASCAR. It’s so hot that I’m beginning to think this new pope might be right about Harry Potter being a bigger threat than war or hunger. It’s so hot it’s no longer necessary to sterilize your watermelons. It’s so hot it’s just mighty hard to see the point. It’s so hot we used to have riots when it was like this but now we just snap at our co-workers and smash grapefruit halves in the faces of our loved ones. It’s so hot I’d sure hate to die because of all the close-quarters velvet that’s involved. It’s so hot you can’t hardly go pleasure four-wheeling down one of these gated roads for having to dodge coyotes chasing roadrunners. It’s so hot that I’d as soon be rassling with dead pin-oak limbs. It’s so hot you can strike fear with a single hyphenated word: two-a-days. It’s so hot I’d just about rather be covered in okra fuzz. It’s so hot you don’t have to burn your bra, your draft card, your paid-off mortgage, your bridges behind you, your candle at both ends, or the midnight oil. Just leave them outside and they’ll be taken care of. It’s so hot the Western Sizzlins are looking into trademark infringement. Searses, too. It’s so hot I’ve got all worked up again about the WMDs. It’s so hot that the lizards out on the crosstie fence spend the whole day standing on their tippiest tiptoes, relaxing only between 1 and 5 a.m. It’s so hot that baked potatoes are the only kind you can get. It’s so hot you can say Tom DeLay or Ann Coulter and my sapped reflexes don’t automatically come back with bastard or bitch. It’s so hot Scientology starts to take on a plausibility rivaling Mormonism’s. It’s so hot that the blue jays have gone to moping around like cowbirds. It’s so hot that the Huckabees say you don’t have to genuflect till it cools off some. It’s so hot that the Egyptian community down at Bearden has asked Ra to show a little mercy. It’s so hot the chicken-plant illegals pine for the milder climate back home. It’s so hot that I don’t even mind dogs, if they don’t lick or bite or get too enthusiastic with that leg-hunching thing. It’s so hot that when the Baptist revival preachers talk about the lake of fire, they mean right out yonder. It’s so hot that I keep losing my train of tho…. It’s so hot that all the Supreme Court justices want to do is stay in and play Twister. It’s so hot I wouldn’t go water-skiing or eat a whole freezer of home-made ice cream for fear it would just get my hopes up. It’s so hot that by cracky somebody’s just got to pay. It’s so hot that the Governor’s School has banned erections. It’s so hot that I’ve been thinking maybe living in Cabot really does beat a hacking cough. It’s so hot I had the notion I might enjoy watching a game of soccer. It’s so hot that when I tried to play golf the other day the ball stuck to the clubface of my driver on the first tee, creating a kind of smore. It’s so hot that I listened to some rap and didn’t want to just slap whoever it was upside the head. It’s so hot I don’t even care what gasoline costs, if they’d just quit lying about the reason. It’s so hot I saw the Irish setter next door teaching a semi-circle of the backyard raccoons how to pant. It’s so hot they can get away with anything, and they know it. It’s so hot that a measure to decriminalize moderation in Northwest Arkansas might get brief consideration before being voted down. It’s so hot that the homos ought to just get married and adopt while the great lethargy has the generality in its thrall. It’s so hot that I just lost my copy of “Farenheit 451” by Ray Bradbury to spontaneous combustion. It’s so hot it sucks the water out of your bucket before you get it drawn up from the well. It’s so hot that Mountain Valley has gone to bottling and selling the miasma. It’s so hot that the ants have taken to frying the science nerds hereabout into lifeless pork rinds by reflecting sunlight on them with a great many very tiny magnifying glasses. It’s so hot that the town of Pangburn is about to change to Pangburnt. It’s so hot that this is bound to be the crematory and the rest just what’s left of the dream.

From the ArkTimes store


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Max Brantley

  • Sunday and another open line

    Got anything for the open line?
    • Jul 23, 2017
  • But what about the Clintons? Last refuge of Trump, New York Times

    Trying to compare Donald Trump's reaction to the Russia investigation with Bill Clinton's dealings with Kenneth Starr should be a non-starter if the facts mattered. But these days — and to the New York Times — it ain't necessarily so.
    • Jul 23, 2017
  • Football is king, Bentonville edition

    Good analysis in the Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette of an unannounced Bentonville School Board vote last week to put $2 million into a football stadium for West High School despite board assurances in last May's tax election that no money would go to a football stadium.
    • Jul 23, 2017
  • More »

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »


2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Another Jesus

    • IBS, were you there in Benghazi to personally witness all of Hillary's blunders like you…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Another Jesus

    • If God felt it necessary to replace the ten commandments, he could do it like…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Football for UA Little Rock

    • He's BSC. Students and tuition-paying parents should be VERY vocal that a football program won't…

    • on July 23, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation