Inconsequential News Quiz: Blah, Blah, Blah Edition 

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1) As emotions ran high during a March 31 debate in the state Senate over expanding the right to the concealed carry of a handgun, Sen. Trent Garner (R-El Dorado) snapped at Sen. Will Bond (D-Little Rock), but later apologized. Why did Garner say he'd raised his voice?

A) The trembling crystalline snowflake of Garner's sense of self was on the verge of shattering at the thought of not being able to carry his Glock to Razorback games.

B) Really, really, really needed to pee, but Sen. Jim Hendren (R-Sulphur Spring) wouldn't give him a hall pass.

C) While serving in the Middle East, he sometimes had to "bark" at Afghanis to get his point across.

D) "I, like all Republicans, know that the only way to get a Democrat to listen is either by yelling or sweet and tender whispers in the quick of the dark."

2) A recent report from Harvard Law School's Fair Punishment Project slammed Arkansas for the state's plan to execute eight death row inmates over an 11-day period in April. Which of the following is a real impairment, disability or mitigating factor at least one of the eight men scheduled to be executed suffers from, according to the Harvard report?

A) One has an I.Q. of 70.

B) One is a paranoid schizophrenic and regularly sees his dead father and ghostly dogs walking around inside the prison.

C) One was represented at trial by an attorney who was allegedly drunk.

D) One had a total defense budget — including attorney's fees, travel costs for witnesses, lodging and food — of $6,641.95 during his original trial.

E) One, as noted by the Arkansas Supreme Court in a decision in which it ruled he had received "grossly inadequate counsel," had a post-conviction attorney with a substance-abuse problem who rambled incoherently during court proceedings, including "repeatedly interjecting 'blah, blah, blah,' into his statements."

F) All of the above.

3) The U.S. Army is considering bringing a hazardous substance into Arkansas by truck, where it can be safely incinerated. What is it?

A) 635,000 gallons of "Corpulence," former Gov. Mike Huckabee's failed signature cologne.

B) 250,000 gallons of wastewater generated from the neutralizing of mustard gas munitions at the Pueblo Chemical Depot in Colorado.

C) Three shipping containers full of decommissioned New Orleans Saints jock straps.

D) 62 overflowing, slightly pulsating Porta Potties from January's Insane Clown Posse show in San Antonio.

4) Two police officers in Crossett were fired for a March 13 incident in which investigators say they did something they shouldn't have. What did they do?

A) Fired their department-issued shotguns at a "UFO" that turned out to be the mayor's satellite dish.

B) Their entire anti-drug presentation at an elementary school consisted of screening 2004's "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle."

C) Snuck the department's K9 dog down to Huttig for a rendezvous with a very cute schnauzer she met on the internet.

D) Were caught on surveillance video climbing through the window of a school in the middle of the night, with investigators saying they each stole one carton of milk from the cafeteria.

5) On March 31, a reptile-related incident at the Jacksonville Walmart required a trip to the hospital. According to investigators, what happened?

A) While trying on hats, Sen. Jason Rapert's lifelike rubber mask slipped, revealing him to be a lizard man from the planet Alpha Epsilon 7.

B) A man brought his defanged pet copperhead on a shopping trip, and it bit him with its remaining teeth.

C) I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken Nuggets turned out to be 100 percent iguana meat.

D) Godzilla went nuts and busted up the joint when he realized they were out of XXXXXXXXXXLT boxer briefs.



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