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Inconsequential News Quiz: Blesser of Two Evils Edition 

Play at home, while twisting your ethics into a pretzel for political purposes!

1) Tully Borland, a professor at Ouachita Baptist University in Arkadelphia, recently published an opinion piece in the far-right journal The Federalist in which he offered his opinions on Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. Which of the following was included in the piece?

A) That Moore's practice of dating girls as young as 14 when Moore, now 70, was in his 30s was common back then, and had "some merit," because if a couple wants a large family, "the wife must start raising kids when she is young."

B) That a high school yearbook signed by Moore in 1977 and produced by a woman who has accused Moore of trying to sexually assault her when she was 16 "appears to have been doctored."

C) That even if the accusations against Moore are true — which include allegations that Moore attempted to sexually assault a 16-year-old, touched a 14-year-old's breasts and genitals and guided her hand to his crotch, and was watched like a hawk at a local mall and high school sporting events because he kept hitting on underage girls — Moore is still "a lesser of two evils" who Christian voters can support while not compromising their faith or integrity, because Moore's opponent supports abortion rights.

D) All of the above.

2) Borland and Ouachita Baptist University later released a statement related to Borland's writing in The Federalist. Which of the following was included in the statement?

A) That, as with last weekend's tweet in which President Trump apparently admitted to the impeachable offense of obstruction of justice, the article was actually authored by Convenient Scapegoat Lawyer No. 11.

B) That a planned campus visit by contestants with the Miss Teen Arkansas Pageant had been unexpectedly canceled.

C) That OBU doesn't "condone sexual assault," along with a statement in which Borland struck a blow for Christian decency by saying he believes pedophilia "is contrary to biblical truth and my personal values."

D) That if you ever find it necessary to make a public statement clarifying that pedophilia is contrary to your personal values, you probably have a pretty screwed set of personal values.

3) A new, $460 million shallow water combat ship will be commissioned by the U.S. Navy in Buffalo, N.Y., on Dec. 17. What's the name of the ship?

A) The U.S.S. What We Bought Instead Of Building 300 New High Schools.

B) The U.S.S. Deficit.

C) The U.S.S. George W. Bush (nicknamed "The Mighty Dumbass").

D) The U.S.S. Little Rock.

4) Some big news for cannabis growers in Arkansas is scheduled for Feb. 27. What is it?

A) The Little Rock stop of Cheech and Chong's national "Marijuana Won't Actually Turn You Into an Iguana" tour.

B) Announcement of the applicants who scored highest in the competition to be awarded one of the state's five cannabis cultivation licenses.

C) A second attempt, overseen by representatives of the Guinness Book of World Records and sponsored by Zig Zag, to roll a bus-sized hooter on the Walmart parking lot in Rose City.

D) The moment when the thousands of pounds of marijuana seed needed to begin cannabis cultivation in Arkansas magically appears in the state without breaking federal law.

5) Prosecutors in Bentonville recently dropped all charges in a 2015 murder case that received national attention. What was unique about the case?

A) Shockingly, Breitbart and Infowars reported that neither Bill Clinton nor Hillary Clinton were involved in the death, even though it happened in Arkansas.

B) Prosecutors had sought electronic records from the accused's Amazon Echo device, apparently hoping the gadget had picked up sounds of a struggle.

C) Death by chocolate.

D) Prosecutors alleged the victim was literally bored to death during a screening of a Scandinavian art house film.
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