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Inconsequential News Quiz: Cartoons become Life Edition 

Play at home, then lie through your teeth about it later!

1) Far-right Republican gubernatorial candidate Jan Morgan appeared in the Southwest Arkansas town of Fouke the other day to stump. What, according to the Texarkana Gazette, was one of the things she said during a meeting, at which she also — and we are not making this up — accepted a hug from a person dressed as the famous crypto-hominid, the Fouke Monster? A) That, try as she might to avoid it, she is fooled into misguided romance every time Bugs Bunny dresses up like a girl bunny. B) Complained that the libtards at the ATF say she can't carry her World War II German Panzerschreck rocket launcher for self-defense against illegal immigrants in tanks. C) That the FBI has informed her that "she is on ISIS' hit list." D) That she was worried that hugging the Fouke Monster would bring the molecules of two fanciful, wholly imaginary characters into close contact and thus lead to total protonic reversal, as in "Ghostbusters." 2) U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas), who first said he didn't recall hearing Donald Trump make the "shithole countries" remark during an Oval Office meeting before going all in to insinuate that fellow U.S. Sen. Dick Durbin and others were lying about the president's racist comment, admitted to something completely unsurprising on "Meet the Press" last Sunday. What did he come clean about? A) That he had disobeyed an order by the Koch Brothers, which — given that they are at least theoretically human — means he had violated one of Isaac Asimov's famous Five Laws of Robotics and would self-destruct in 10 seconds. B) That he did, in fact, hear Trump use the vulgar language, which makes Cotton not only an admitted liar, but a liar who lied to undermine people with the integrity to tell the truth. C) That the earth is actually run by remorseless alien reptile men in shoddily made rubber human-suits, and he is one of them. D) That has been involved in a torrid, months-long affair with his Roomba robot vacuum cleaner, confirming long-whispered rumors of his Robosexuality. 3) According to a sign prominently displayed on the doors of Benton High School's Butler Auditorium, which of the following is banned from the auditorium? A) Needing no education while being another brick in the wall. B) Glitter. C) Your gatdamn fancy-schmantzy diploma from an accredited trade school, college or university. D) Failed Republican U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore of Alabama. 4) Speaking of the Tom Cottonbot 5000, news went viral last week that he has been doing something surprising in response to a few constituents who have called his office with strongly worded criticisms of the way their senator is handling his job. What was it? A) Tear-stained certified letters telling them that they are no longer welcome at his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, so don't even try coming. B) Online video rants in which a shirtless Cotton fans out a large stack of hundred dollar bills before calling constituents "scrub ass ho-dogs." C) Urban warehouse knife fight/dance-off between Cotton and his critics, as seen in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. D) Sending constituents "cease and desist" letters informing them that if they contact the office of the fully adult elected official who allegedly represents their interests again, it will be considered harassment and they will be reported to the police. 5) In October 2016, the Masjid Al Salam mosque in Fort Smith was vandalized, spray-painted with swastikas and the words "go home." Abraham Davis, one of two men arrested for the act, was convicted and later apologized for his actions. What, according to a report last month, was the reaction of parishioners who attend the mosque when they learned Davis was having trouble paying the $1,700 fine the court had imposed for his crime, and that if he was unable to pay he might be sent to prison for up to six years? A) Hate. B) More hate. C) "Screw him. Let him rot in jail." D) They paid the fine out of funds originally collected to help renovate the mosque, with mosque president Louay Nassri telling KARK-TV, Channel 4, news: "If he would've known who we are, he wouldn't have done this. If we would've known his troubles with us, we would've tried to help him."
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