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Inconsequential News Quiz: Cease and Desist Edition 

Play at home, with your Panzerschreck close at hand!

1) Far-right Republican gubernatorial candidate Jan Morgan appeared in the Southwest Arkansas town of Fouke earlier this month to stump. What, according to the Texarkana Gazette, was one of the things she said during a meeting, at which she also — and we are not making this up — accepted a hug from a person dressed as the famous crypto-hominid, the Fouke Monster?

A) That try as she might to avoid it, she is fooled into misguided romance every time Bugs Bunny dresses up like a girl bunny.

B) Complained that the libtards at the ATF say she can't carry her World War II German Panzerschreck rocket launcher for self-defense against illegal immigrants in tanks.

C) That the FBI has informed her that she is on ISIS' "hit list."

D) That she was worried that hugging the Fouke Monster would bring the molecules of two fanciful, wholly imaginary characters into close contact and thus lead to a "Ghostbusters"-like total protonic reversal in "Ghostbusters."

2) During testimony in the recent bribery trial of former State Rep. Micah Neal, who is accused of taking kickbacks to funnel money to the private Ecclesia College, Neal reportedly testified to something that surely made colons clench all over the state Capitol. What did he say?

A) That a new federal law stipulates that lobbyists may only use burning $10 bills to light legislators' cigars, as opposed to the traditional $100.

B) That due to a recent cave-in, the W.J. "Bill" McCuen Memorial Whores and Coke Tunnel that connects the House and Senate cloakrooms to a hollow tree near the freeway is indefinitely closed.

C) That between March and October 2016, he'd secretly recorded any conversations with his colleagues that he thought might interest federal corruption investigators.

D) That legislators will be required to pass exams on ethics and basic U.S. civics before being allowed to vote in the next session.

3) Little Rock Police Chief Kenton Buckner recently fired an LRPD recruit for using the N-word in a social media post. What was weird about the firing?

A) The recruit was black.

B) The recruit was 16 years old when she made the post.

C) The recruit was the second black LRPD recruit sacked for using a racial slur in old social media posts since a white recruit was fired late last year for posting a photo of a sleeping black man with the caption "Go night night nigga."

D) All of the above, even though — and we don't think we're out on a limb here — a black person using the word is in no way equivalent to a white person using it.

4) According to a sign prominently displayed on the doors of Benton High School's Butler Auditorium, which of the following is banned from the auditorium?

A) Needing no education while being another brick in the wall.

B) Glitter.

C) Your gatdamn fancy-schmantzy diploma from an accredited trade school, college or university.

D) Failed Republican U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore of Alabama.

5) News went viral recently that U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton has been doing something surprising in response to some constituents who have called his office with strongly worded criticisms of the way their senator is handling his job. What was it?

A) Tear-stained letters telling them that they are no longer welcome at his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, so don't even try coming.

B) Online video rants in which a shirtless Cotton fans out a large stack of hundred dollar bills before calling his constituents "scrub-ass ho-dogs."

C) Urban warehouse knife fight/dance-off between Cotton and his critics, as seen in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video.

D) Sending constituents "cease and desist" letters informing them that if they contact the office of the elected official who allegedly represents their interests again, it will be considered harassment and they will be reported to the police.
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