Inconsequential News Quiz: Double Down Dog Edition 

1) On Jan. 28, Arkansas Sen. John Woods (R-Springdale) performed a heroic act at the Arkansas State Capitol. What did he do?

A) Arrived in the nick of time to stop Secretary of State Mark Martin from transferring the deed to the state Capitol building to Nigerian scammers.

B) After receiving a mysterious call on a phone hidden in his shoe, shouted "TO THE WOODSCAVE!" then disappeared behind a pivoting bookcase, followed closely by Rep. Warwick Sabin.

C) Placed a hand firmly over the mouth of Sen. Jason Rapert, then tenderly whispered: "Shhhhh. You're embarrassing everyone. Just ... don't speak."

D) Performed CPR on a woman who had a heart attack during a subcommittee meeting, possibly saving her life.

2) The day after he was arrested for allegedly pointing a handgun at a family following Little Rock's annual Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. parade, boxer Jermain Taylor posted a video to his Facebook page in which he said he was disappointed in himself and others. Who were the others, and why did Taylor say he was disappointed in them?

A) The NRA, for obvious reasons.

B) KFC, for introducing the "Double Down Dog," a hot dog wrapped in a deep-fried chicken breast.

C) The cereal company General Mills, for turning down his idea for an all-charms version of Lucky Charms.

D) The organizers of the parade, for not handing out enough candy, with Taylor saying: "Y'all need to get it together ... if you're disappointed in me, I'm disappointed in you, too."

3) A person recently cleaning out a desk at the Fayetteville home of a University of Arkansas professor who died in June 2013 was quite alarmed to find something unusual. What was it?

A) A much-used wheel labeled "Essay-Grade-o-Matic," which assigns a random grade of A through F by flicking a spinning arrow.

B) Racy photos from 1909 featuring coeds showing their bare ankles.

C) Mummified body of the REAL Bret Bielema.

D) A glass jar containing a small quantity of Uranium 235, the same material used in nuclear bomb cores.

4) During a committee meeting last week to vote on whether a bill to split the joint state holiday honoring both Gen. Robert E. Lee and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. should go forward, supporters of keeping the holidays together showed up en masse to speak. What were some of the arguments supporters made in favor of keeping the Lee and King holidays together?

A) That Lee — who, as you might remember, helped lead a bloody, four-year rebellion aimed at splitting the United States in two — "committed no crimes, broke no laws, and violated no part of the Constitution."

B) That King (a Southern black man who presumably would have been born a slave had the Confederacy prevailed) would have approved of a joint holiday for himself and Lee (a slave owner).

C) That "separate is not equal," a phrase lifted from the words the U.S. Supreme Court used in forcing Southern states to integrate schools for blacks and whites in the 1950s.

D) All of the above.

5) Little Rock police recently arrested two men after, police say, they saw one of them doing something rather alarming. What was the man allegedly doing?

A) Eating Mentos and drinking Diet Coke simultaneously.

B) Smoking a Cohiba cigar prior to full, normalized trade relations with Cuba.

C) Giving a friend the dreaded Purple Nurple, as forbidden by the 1603 Treaty of Montenegro.

D) Dancing next to a gas pump while waving a loaded handgun over his head in time with the music from his car's sound system.

6) While reporting on an effort to pass a bill that would require the teaching of cursive in Arkansas public schools, Arkansas Times reporter Benjamin Hardy was unable to find any legislator who would agree to perform what would normally be a simple task. What was the task Hardy asked them to perform?

A) Lift the seat before taking a leak, man. I mean, we're all adults, right?

B) Correct administration of the Expecto Patronum charm.

C) Shoot 10 the hard way in the raucous, back alley craps game behind the Capitol.

D) Copy a short phrase from the oath of office in their own cursive handwriting.


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