Inconsequential News Quiz: Flupocalypse Edition! 

Play at home while wearing a surgical mask, so as not to infect others!

1) Stephan Ferry, a critic of state Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) who is seeking to file a lawsuit against Rapert for blocking his constituents on social media, was recently arrested. What was the charge?

A) Third Degree Liberal Sassmouth.

B) Letting his hair become unkempt as forbidden in Leviticus 10:6, thus potentially making God angry enough to both kill him and destroy Conway in a hellish firestorm. No, seriously. That's apparently the penalty. Look it up.

C) Allowing minorities to run roughshod over what Rapert's supporters believe in.

D) Filing a false police report, after Ferry told police that during a phone call Rapert had threatened to send people after him — a contention police say conflicted with a recording of the call provided to investigators by Rapert.

2) Ben Hyneman, chair of the University of Arkansas Board of Trustees, recently proposed a rules change that has some alarmed. What is the change?

A) Allows the Razorback football head coach to have Arkansas sportswriters who displease him beheaded.

B) Lets Walmart press any UA student into indentured servitude during the Black Friday and Christmas rush.

C) Would forbid any member of the 10-member board, other than the chair, to speak to the press about controversial issues.

D) Would install a vending machine on Dickson Street that dispenses a Razorback sweatshirt and fully valid UA Bachelor of Arts diploma in exchange for $45,000 in nonsequential, unmarked bills.

3) The Arkansas Department of Health recently made an announcement. What was it?

A) There has been a serious outbreak of Uncleanliness in Faulkner County after residents there engaged in the wanton touching of eagles, vultures, black vultures, red kites, black kites, ravens, horned owls, screech owls, gulls, hawks, little owls, cormorants, great owls, white owls, desert owls, ospreys, storks, herons, hoopoes and bats, as forbidden in Leviticus 11:13-19.

B) That a toilet seat in the men's restroom of a Taco Bell in Southwest Little Rock recently tested positive for multidrug-resistant Superherpestuberculosisgonorrheahepatitisaids.

C) That Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) will soon be sealed in a bulletproof, man-sized hamsterball because he is clearly too fragile for this cruel, confusing and infinitely threatening world.

D) That this flu season is on track to be the state's worst in almost 20 years.

4) A uniformed Little Rock Police Department officer got quite a surprise recently. What, according to investigators, was the surprise?

A) That emergency room personnel refused to believe that he and his girlfriend had been testing his handcuffs when he accidentally sat on his baton.

B) Krispy Kreme gave him a free trip to its international headquarters because he ate so many donuts.

C) He came out of the restroom of the Subway restaurant on Cedar Street near the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences to find a 17-year-old holding the clerks at gunpoint, and arrested the teenager after a short foot chase.

D) He was arrested on a charge of treason for failing to applaud President Trump.

5) The National Weather Service is looking for volunteers in Arkansas. What do they need them for?

A) To distribute leaflets listing 84 post-tornado metaphors to use other than "it sounded just like a big ol' freight train."

B) To complain about the weather while not doing a damn thing about it.

C) To keep an eye out for the next shitstorm.

D) To provide daily reports from the towns of Dumas, Glenwood, Parthenon, Clarendon, Deer, Fallsville, Grubbs, Hampton, Leola, McCrory, Warren, Washita, Clarksville, Amity, Hector, Brinkley, Wooster and Greenbrier.


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