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Inconsequential News Quiz: Gotta Get Back in Time Edition 

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1) In her 101-page decision that, for a time at least, halted the executions of six men by the state, federal Judge Kristine Baker employed a little-used term for the residents of Arkansas. What was it?

A) "Darkansans"

B) "Death-Obsessed Murder Monkeys"

C) "Arkansawyers"

D) "Arkansassholes"

2) A recent poll by Talk Business and Hendrix College found that the majority of Arkansas residents support the death penalty, with 38 percent supporting a specific method when asked for their preferred alternative to lethal injection. What was the most preferred method?

A) Ravenous ferret up the poop chute.

B) Death by chocolate.

C) Public hanging.

D) Move the inmates to Searcy, let them die a slow and agonizingly boring death from natural causes.

3) A 38-year-old resident of Fouke in Southwest Arkansas recently pleaded guilty on multiple charges and was sentenced to six years in prison. Which of the following is a key piece of evidence that prosecutors say would have been used against him had the case gone to trial?

A) The frozen head of Gov. Orval Faubus.

B) Cell phone video of him fornicating with a miniature horse.

C) Sworn testimony from the giant crypto-hominid known as the Fouke Monster.

D) Sixteen tubes of Fire In The Hole™ brand personal lubricant.

4) The city of Jacksonville recently hired a new police chief, Jeff Herweg, but critics say an aspect of his past should have disqualified him from the job. What's the issue?

A) Helped Arkansas acquire its supply of execution drugs from a man known only as "Jabbo the Pimp" during a 1 a.m. cash buy behind the Protho Junction Zip Mart dumpster.

B) He is Donald Trump's former masseuse and back-waxer.

C) He started that thing where people say "Question" before asking a question.

D) A misdemeanor conviction stemming from a Christmas 2000 incident in which investigators said Herweg, then a sergeant with the Tyler, Texas, Police Department, left the scene of an accident and later reported his car stolen, with an incident report in the case alleging he told fellow officers he'd been drinking at the time of the accident.

5) While Governor Hutchinson's octo-execution plan seems to have poised the state to leap boldly into the 18th century, there was some good news on the futuristic front for Arkansas this week. What was it?

A) Electric automaker Tesla plans to build a sleek, new "supercharging" station for their cars at The Outlets of Little Rock, near the intersection of Interstate 30 and I-430.

B) Rural development director Dr. Marvin Pickle announced that his agency is on track to have all outhouses in the state fully chromed by 2029.

C) North Little Rock officials revealed plans to construct a $51 million transparent dome over Argenta, designed to keep out "any resident browner than eggnog."

D) Rock Region Metro rolled out its new Hovertrolley, which promises a smoother ride to the eight passengers who use the trolley system on an average day.

Answers: C, C, B, D, A

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