Inconsequential News Quiz: 'I Got 177 Million Reasons' Edition 

Play at home, while sitting on your stolen moisture gauge!

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1) The Arkansas Department of Health recently sent out an urgent alert about a hazard to public health. What was it?

A) A 95-pound steamer-trunk-sized moisture gauge stolen from a Hot Springs business that contains "approximately 8 millicuries of Cesium-137 and 40 millicuries of Americium-241," both of which are radioactive.

B) The weekly "Expired Meat" discount night at the Malvern Western Sizzlin'.

C) Legendary 1970s Fort Smith groupie Brandi "Critters" Merkin has been released from quarantine.

D) The dangers of marijuana overdose, which can reportedly lead to the senseless murder of whole bags of Spicy Nacho Doritos.

2) Earlier this month, a pet named Speedy was hailed as a hero by officials in Poinsett County. What kind of animal is Speedy and what were the circumstances?

A) A 10-foot reticulated python, which squeezed the midsection of his owner until a cocktail wiener the man had choked on was dislodged from his throat.

B) A Doberman pincher, which stood snarling between Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) and his cell phone for over six hours, thus preventing Rapert from soiling Facebook with his latest brain shart.

C) A baby goat, who repeatedly jumped on the legs and chest of her sleeping 10-year-old owner to wake the girl enough to realize that her family's home was on fire and quickly filling with smoke.

D) A chicken from Hot Springs' "IQ Zoo," which perplexed a gunman with repeated games of Tic-Tac-Toe, giving the man's hostages time to slip out the back.

3) After the Arkansas Supreme Court issued a stay April 19 that halted the execution of death row inmate Stacey Johnson, Sen. Bart Hester (R-Bedrock) did something surprising that could be seen as a rather petty attempt to take revenge against the court. What did Hester do?

A) Snuck into the Supreme Court cloakroom with a pair of scissors and a sewing kit and gave Associate Justice Shawn Womack's robe a shockingly short hem.

B) Coated the justices' chairs with baby oil, which caused all seven to simultaneously shoot under the bench the next time they sat down.

C) Tweeted out Chief Justice Dan Kemp's cell phone number, along with — weirdly — Hester's own cell phone number.

D) Wrote a letter to the court featuring an argument so dumb that it lowered the justices' collective IQ score by 119 points.

4) Last week, Lubbock, Texas, resident Eliberto Cantu finally revealed himself as the holder of a winning Mega Millions lottery ticket worth $177 million, which he purchased March 30 while working construction near Hazen. What did Cantu say he plans to do with part of the money?

A) Purchase the entire city of Jacksonville and bulldoze it for the good of all mankind.

B) Not buy any work boots, that's for damn sure.

C) Do some traveling and build new sanctuaries for two churches.

D) Get himself cloned three times so he can finally fulfill his dream of starting a one-man boy band.

5) During recent questioning in federal court, Arkansas Department of Correction Director Wendy Kelley admitted something rather odd about the state's supply of potassium chloride, a deadly drug that's one of three included in the state's execution protocol. What's the issue?

A) The ADC stole it from Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards' medicine cabinet.

B) The drug was donated to the state.

C) It's sweetened with Splenda, with a pinch of ground nutmeg.

D) For security, Kelley swallows the glass vial containing the drug and can regurgitate it on command.



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