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Inconsequential News Quiz: Live from the Kum and Go Edition 

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1) Police were called to a Kum & Go convenience store in Springdale recently after a report of a man doing something there that he shouldn't have before fleeing the scene. What was the man allegedly doing?

A) Crawled into the doughnut case among the muffins and crullers, then fell asleep.

B) Brought in a kitchen-sized trashcan and made himself an XXXXXXL Dr Pepper slushie.

C) Stuffed over two dozen piping hot Polish sausages down his pants.

D) Masturbating, of course.

2) The man who was fatally shot after brandishing a rifle near the gates of the Little Rock Air Force Base earlier told deputies with the Pulaski County Sheriff's Office that his house was being bugged by an Air Force officer. According to a report in the case, who did the man say was one of the clandestine perpetrators?

A) Captain Crunch.

B) General Motors.

C) Colonel Sanders.

D) Major Fuhcup.

3) A recent story in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette sports section about retired coach and Dallas Cowboys scouting director Larry Lacewell was accompanied by a photo of the rather prominent-bellied Lacewell and an odd headline. What was the headline?

A) "Football lingers inside Lacewell."

B) "Lacewell still pointy on both ends, round in the middle."

C) "Lacewell: 'Lucky drawers' never washed in 41 years."

D) "Coach swallows whistle, can now fart Razorback fight song."

4) A recent story in The Guardian newspaper profiled Taylor Wilson, a Texarkana native who did something rather amazing at age 14, briefly holding the world record for his feat. What did Wilson so?

A) Slept 26 consecutive hours, got up and drank a Mountain Dew, slept 19 more hours.

B) Used the word "like" 31 times in a single sentence.

C) Built a working fusion reactor with a plasma core 40 times hotter than the sun.

D) Ate 207 pizza rolls during a single episode of "Family Guy."

5) State Rep. Justin Harris (R-West Fork), lately embroiled in a scandal over the "rehoming" of his adopted daughters and allegations that he believed the girls were possessed by demons, recently made an announcement. What was it?

A) Signed a two-year endorsement deal with Horrendously Ill-Fitting Men's Suit Warehouse.

B) Adopted a Lhasa Apso puppy, later rehomed it to the tiger cage at the Little Rock Zoo.

C) Televised three-way claw hammer cage fight between himself, Mike Huckabee and Josh Duggar at Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma. Pay-per-view alone is expected to top $100 million.

D) He will not seek re-election.

ANSWERS: D, C, A, C, D

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