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Inconsequential News Quiz: Maneuver Me Edition 

Play at home while waiting for the inevitable rise of the machines!

1) Recently in Eureka Springs, there was a rash of newspaper thefts, with dozens of papers reportedly stolen from doorsteps before subscribers could retrieve them in the morning. According to a newspaper delivery person who investigated, who turned out to be the culprit? A) Stoners in need of, like, HUUUUUGE rolling papers, man. B) Trump supporters incensed by FAKE NEWS! C) The local chapter of Americans for the Continued and Perpetual Furtherance of Funny Paper Hats. D) Foxes. 2) (Question 1 spoiler alert!) How did the aforementioned newspaper carrier reportedly foil the foxes from continuing their predawn paper-stealing spree? A) She asked them to subscribe to the paper, but the furry little bastards were too cheap. B) She started including a transcript of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' latest press conference with every newspaper, knowing there's some things even a roadkill-eating scavenger finds disgusting. C) She released 14 Bengal tigers into the city, and the tigers soon ate all the delicious foxes. Problem solved! D) She smeared a little Vicks VapoRub on the newspaper bags, and the foxes found the goop so smelly and distasteful they dropped the purloined papers a few steps after picking them up. 3) Corey "C.J." Hunter Jr., a 12-year-old boy from Magnolia, was hailed as a hero earlier this month after performing the Heimlich maneuver on his sister, Caleigh, after she choked on a piece of candy, saving her life. Where did C.J. say he learned how to do the Heimlich maneuver? A) The similar local dance craze known as "The Smackover Clutch." B) He watched a few YouTube videos about it last year, figuring it was only a matter of time before somebody choked on their own vomit while watching Donald Trump speak. C) From watching the Disney Channel. D) Cardi B's latest smash hit: "Grasp the Midsection From Behind Just Below The Ribcage and Pull Firmly Back and Upward." 4) The University of Arkansas at Fort Smith recently began testing a robot called the Husquavarna 450X. What is the Husquavarna 450X? A) A poorly tested automated machine gun turret mandated by the state legislature to make the campus "safer." B) A #MeToo-fighting female cyborg designed to patrol frat parties and nut punt any would-be sexual assaulter into the next county. C) A robotic lawn mower that will roam the campus, cutting grass. D) A prototype of a graft-accepting robot being built by the UAFS engineering department so Republican state legislators can accept bribes in two places at once. 5) Jerry Dhonau, a longtime newspaperman whose career included reporting on the 1957 Central High crisis for the Arkansas Gazette, died recently at the age of 83. Which of the following were real events in his career? A) During his senior year at Central High in 1952, he quit as editor of the school newspaper in protest after his journalism teacher nixed an editorial Dhonau wrote that proposed a new field house should be named after a well-liked black maintenance man, Riley Johns. B) While in his early 20s, Dhonau — then the youngest reporter on the Gazette staff — and also young reporter Ray Moseley contributed most of the reporting on the Central High crisis that would go on to earn the Arkansas Gazette a Pulitzer Prize in 1958 for exceptional community service. C) As captured in an iconic photo of the time, Dhonau courageously stood with other reporters to shield Little Rock Nine member Elizabeth Eckford after she was confronted by a jeering, racist mob when she arrived for what she hoped would be her first day at Central High. D) All of the above. Good job, Jerry.

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