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Inconsequential News Quiz: Midway Coronary Edition 

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click to enlarge BRIAN CHILSON
  • BRIAN CHILSON

1) Governor Hutchinson is out of state this week. Where'd he go?

A) D.C.-area motel, where he joined Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus for a sobbing, weeklong bender.

B) On a pussy-grabbin' bus tour with Donald Trump.

C) China, where he'll spend six days promoting Arkansas products and the state as a location for industry.

D) Zurich for one last jewel heist, so he can retire from life as a second-story man.

2) The Arkansas State Fair started Friday. Which of the following is a real foodstuff that will be offered on the midway this year?

A) Maple bacon corn dogs.

B) Chocolate-covered angioplasty.

C) Lardsicles.

D) Deep-fried Oxycodone on a stick.

3) A person who might be considered famous in some circles came to Arkansas last week to address a subcommittee discussing the construction of two monuments on the state Capitol grounds. Who was it?

A) Our Lord Jesus Christ, who told Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) to "knock off the bullshit" before dropping the mic and ascending back to heaven.

B) Donald Trump's basic human decency, which divorced him in 1986.

C) Lucien Greaves, co-founder of the Massachusetts-based Satanic Temple.

D) Vermont resident Steve "Sticky" Merkin, who is on a nationwide apology tour for starting the trend in which people begin their answer to any question with: "So ... "

4) Last week, Conner Eldridge, a Democrat running for U.S. Senate, finally got something he had been dreaming of for months. What was it?

A) A puppy of his very own!

B) His picture on the cover of Conservative Hairstyles magazine.

C) X-Ray Specs he ordered from the back of a comic book when he was 12.

D) A debate with his Republican opponent, Sen. John Boozman, who has repeatedly skipped other scheduled opportunities to spar with Eldridge and Libertarian candidate Frank Gilbert on the issues.

5) North Little Rock District Judge Jim Hamilton, who is serving as a substitute judge in the hot-check cases of four people who brought a federal civil rights lawsuit against Sherwood describing the city's hot-check court an unconstitutional "debtors prison" that has kept some defendants trapped in debt for decades, refused attorneys' calls to recuse from those cases last week. Why, according to attorneys for the plaintiffs, should Hamilton have stepped down?

A) Caught on video helping Sherwood officials pick up and shake hot-check defendants by their ankles until the last bit of change rattled out of their pockets.

B) Admitted he found the recent "Ghostbusters" reboot "somewhat funny in places."

C) One of the attorneys said Hamilton had previously told him he hoped the federal suit against Sherwood would fail.

D) Has the phrase "Pay Up, Sucker" and a dollar sign tattooed on the palm of his right hand.


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