Inconsequential News Quiz: Visual Learners Edition 

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1) What's this?

A) A monument to the joys of double-finger digital penetration.

B) The mysterious, vaguely humming monolith that recently appeared and bestowed the gift of tool use and higher-level thought on members of the Legislature.

C) A monument to the Catholic and Lutheran version of the 10 Commandments, installed last week on the grounds of the state Capitol.

D) A memorial to the nine brave miners who died in the ultimately futile attempt to excavate the head of Sen. Jason Rapert (R-Conway) from his own butt.

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2) What's this?

A) The scattered remnants of a giant pot brownie Arkansas Times contributor David Ramsey brought to a recent staff party.

B) The perfect metaphor for Arkansas's chances of getting inclusive, high-tech companies to move here with a bunch of Bible-beating, gay-hatin' Republicans in charge.

C) The Ten Commandments monument, after a man from Van Buren with a history of mental illness allegedly mowed it down with his Dodge Dart less than 24 hours after it went up.

D) Advertisement for the new three-gallon jug size of Crazy Glue (now with 25 percent more unconstitutionality!).

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3) What's this?

A) The cover of Black Sabbath's new album, "Let's Troll the Hicks."

B) U.S. Sen. Tom Cotton, without the shoddily made rubber mansuit that conceals his true form.

C) The sexy, naked goat beast that haunts every homophobic preacher's erotic imagination.

D) A 10-foot statue of the pagan god Baphomet, which the Satanic Temple wants to have installed on the Capitol grounds by federal court order once the Ten Commandments monument manages to stay up for more than 24 hours.

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4) Who's this?

A) Satan's unwitting emissary in his mission to drive as many people as possible away from organized Christianity.

B) Somebody else's spouse, thank God.

C) Living proof of the old saying "It is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."

D) Sen. Jason Rapert at his post-Ten Commandments destruction news conference, at which Rapert — who once posted on social media that a constituent wasn't "smart" to bother him while the legislator was "#armed&ready" — upbraided the ACLU, the Freethinkers and his critics in the media for "fomenting violence."


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