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Inconsequential News Quiz: When Historians Attack! Edition 

Play at home, while not giving your kid an adverse childhood experience!

1) Historian Tom Dillard, the retired head of special collections at the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville, took to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette editorial page recently to get some things off his chest. What did Dillard write?

A) He challenged fellow Arkansas historian Dr. Melvin Pecker to a rap battle following Pecker's most recent YouTube video: "Territorial Governor George Izard Was a Whack-Ass Bitch."

B) He addressed widespread revulsion over his new book, "Hump Like a Snowhill: An Erotic Biography of Gov. Mike Huckabee."

C) That Department of Arkansas Heritage Director Stacy Hurst — an appointee of Governor Hutchinson who Dillard noted "has absolutely no expertise or background in history" — has fostered a "toxic culture" at the DAH, as seen in a series of high-profile resignations at the agency.

D) He's angry about the repeated, possession-related murders caused by a cursed porcelain doll on display at the Historic Arkansas Museum.

2) The recent closure of a grocery store on 12th Street in Little Rock has left much of the low-income neighborhoods in the area without a single grocery store for miles, but the city recently announced a stopgap measure. What's the proposed solution?

A) Selling fresh produce from "Fresh2You Mobile Market" — a refitted city bus that serves as a rolling farmers market —from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. every Monday on a parking lot at 13th and Cedar.

B) Soylent Green.

C) A series of billboards encouraging people to eat "high fiber" cardboard.

D) Distributing squishy, food-shaped stress balls for people to chew on when they're hungry.

3) A judge in Ouachita County recently ordered the exhumation of the body of a man who died in a one-vehicle accident. Why did the judge order the body exhumed?

A) The county hopes that by disturbing the grave, they'll get a ghost to haunt the courthouse as a tourist attraction.

B) The local funeral director accidentally left a cell phone in the man's pocket and he just WILL NOT STOP calling!

C) Since the man's death, a Camden real estate agent has been convicted and sentenced to jail time for faking the man's will in an attempt to get her hands on $1.7 million the man received as a survivor of the 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil rig disaster, and investigators want to make sure his death was really an accident.

D) Walmart bought the cemetery for a new store.

4) A raffle to benefit a graduation party for Batesville High School was recently scrapped. What was the raffle item?

A) A pair of Trump-proof panties (The Drawers With a Stun Gun Built Right In!™).

B) A 15-minute, all-you-can-grab shopping spree in the school's chemistry lab supply closet.

C) A bus ticket to anywhere but Batesville.

D) An AR-15 rifle, much like the one used to murder 17 people at a high school in Florida less than a week before the cancellation.

5) A new study recently published in the journal Child Trends found that children in Arkansas rank first in the nation in a disturbing category. In what way are Arkansas kids No. 1 in America?

A) Overall stickiness.

B) "Crack-stepping-related female parent spine fractures."

C) Exposure to "adverse childhood experiences": traumatic, life-altering events such as abuse, neglect, or a parent with mental disorder.

D) Wanton Backsassery.
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