Poop Daddy memos 

Sir: I want you to know that I haven't laughed at a single one of the jokes. Everybody seems to have one, even my deputy czars and underczars, and I try to grin along with the hilarity, but the truth is, sir, that I just don't "get" it. Why is it funny for your name and "intelligence" to be mentioned in the same breath? What is an oxymoron, anyway, sir? Any reassurances you could give me at this point would be very much appreciated. Sir: I'm afraid there's not just much intelligence in much of this intelligence. Like the intelligence you got about those weapons of mass destruction. That wasn't intelligence, sir; it was just somebody pulling your yang. If you'll excuse me for saying so. This makes it most uncomfortable for me to go on being called the Intelligence Czar. I wouldn't want to change the title to Presidential Yang-Pulling Czar, but how about something more accurate and less pompous-sounding, like maybe Poop Czar? The young people would relate better to a Poop Czar, and I could go on MTV and rap with them, if that's what you call it. Sir: Just when I thought I'd got a handle on this intelligence business, one of my underczars came in with a piece of counterintelligence. What is counterintelligence, sir? Something you pick up at a coffee counter? Something that's retarded? Nobody told me anything about any extra job responsibilities that wear me out before I can get finished spelling them. Sir: It's me again, your faithful Poop Czar, wondering if we might change my title again and remove the czar part of it. I think czar might be a Russian term, like gulag or dressing. One of the underczars told me that it was, and we sure wouldn't want our spanking new bureaucracy named after something Communist. Next thing these smart-alecks in the press would be calling me the Poop Commissar, or Comrade Poop? I'd rather be the Poopmeister if we just have to use a foreign term. Poop Daddy would go over even better with those MTV youngsters, but the thought of Dan Rather calling me Poop Daddy in front of millions of people creeps me out a little bit, sir. My own choice would be Poop Poobah but one of the sorehead underpoops here says it reminds him too much of the Ku Klux Klan. You can't please everybody. I should tell you in closing that I find the concept of counterpoop much more appealing than the 19-letter monstrosity you dumped on me earlier. Sir: I need to ask about Spy v. Spy, both of whom I assume now fall under the jurisdiction of this office. When the black one drops a piano on the white one's head, or the white one slips a bomb under the cape of the black one, and a big crash or explosion results, and the one that's the victim gets X's for eyes, does that mean he's dead? I've been told that it does mean that, but these conflicts within the department have to be handled with great delicacy. Thought you might be able to advise. Sir: As a follow-up on that Spy v. Spy business, I'd like to know what my supervisory status is concerning one James Bond, whose identification number, I'm given to believe, is 007. Is he British, and if he is, does that mean we have no control whatsoever over his immoral activities and outrageous expense accounts? How am I supposed to "ride herd" over this intelligence community, per your instruction, when such as him are running wild? Is this the same rapscallion who sometimes goes by the name Maxwell Smart? Is either one of them the Man From U.N.C.L.E.? Which side was the Mata Hari on, and would a svelter caboose got her a reprieve from the firing squad? This is how I spend me day. And you? Oh, I flagged those old ational-nay uard-gay files, and you can rest easy about that. Sir: Sifting through all this intelligence, or poop, I came across the enclosed, and thought you might get a kick out of it. It's Jethro Bodeen's application to be a Double-Naught Spy. Or a fry cook or brain surgeon if we don't have any immediate spy openings. We get all kinds here in Intelligence, or Poop, sir. I'm also sending along the Elvis Presley application to be an FBI agent. I had been under the impression that this "Elvis" was also a fictional character, like the Bond fellow or Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Don't know where I got that idea. I mean, I knew Jethro Bodeen was real because we got to see him every week in or around the cement pond, but I thought Elvis might be just a character out of one of his songs that the impersonators like to impersonate. Alias Smith and Jones were two others in the spook business that I was never sure about. You don't happen to know, do you, sir, if they were real or not? If so, they would've worked under President Grant and their dossiers might be there in your "G" filing cabinet. Nothing about them in our famous intelligence files, and I don't know why, unless maybe they worked under code names, which a lot of people in this line of work seem to do, for some reason.

From the ArkTimes store


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Conflicts of interest in the legislatures

    The Center for Public Integrity and the Associated Press collaborated for a project aimed at highlighting state legislators whose lawmaking might be affected by private business interests.
  • Industrial hemp pilot program coming soon to Arkansas

    One of the booths at this week's Ark-La-Tex Medical Cannabis Expo was hosted by the Arkansas Hemp Association, a trade group founded to promote and expand non-intoxicating industrial hemp as an agricultural crop in the state. AHA Vice President Jeremy Fisher said the first licenses to grow experimental plots of hemp in the state should be issued by the Arkansas State Plant Board next spring.
  • Cats and dogs

    I've always been leery of people who dislike animals. To my wife and me, a house without dog hair in the corners and a cat perched on the windowsill is as barren as a highway rest stop. We're down to three dogs and two cats, the smallest menagerie we've had for years.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »


  1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Where cities go from here

    • So Florida says he was wrong the first time and the second time he says…

    • on December 10, 2017
  • Re: Cats and dogs

    • Dee-lightful column - and wonderfully written comments.

    • on December 10, 2017
  • Re: GOP contempt

    • If ineptitude and irrelevance had a poster boy, it would be Gene Lyons. He harangues…

    • on December 10, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation