Putting the B in ‘B.C.’ 

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Watching “10,000 B.C.”:


Ten thousand years ago, we were all swarthy and hot and had dreadlocks. Unless we were very important, and then we were white and hot and had dreadlocks.

Ten thousand years ago, snow was known as “white rain,” but rain was known as “water from heaven.” Our unit of time was “many moons.”

Ten thousand years ago, all races lived within a couple of weeks' walking distance from each other. Even the Wicker People.

Ten thousand years ago, saber-toothed tigers didn't eat you if you were nice to them and stuff.

Ten thousand years ago, the bad guys were either from Atlantis or Mars — we're not sure, but we do know that they all looked like Arabs, so, you know, guilty right there.

Ten thousand years ago, we all talked like Klingons. And one of us had a voice-altering device from Wal-Mart's toy department.

Ten thousand years ago, we could not tell the difference between flying and traveling on water. Mostly, because we were stupid. And often muddy.

Ten thousand years ago, you DID NOT SCREW with ostriches.

Ten thousand years ago, cop-out endings were totally acceptable devices in storytelling.

Yes, it's just a goofy fantasy, and not to be taken seriously. It's about spectacle, not storytelling. But the thing is, like your average Michael Bay movie, “10,000 B.C.” actually strives to be a serious film. It wants us to regard its drama as somehow grown-up and nuanced, which leaves you feeling sorry for those people who put so much effort and expense into making it. Not to mention that the spectacle isn't particularly remarkable — the CGI effects look like CGI effects, there's the occasional pretty (but sometimes biologically impossible) landscape, but it's been done, and done better, and you're left wondering what they dropped the $100 million on.

If you like B movies, then “10,000 B.C.” is worth the price of admission. It is precisely that, just one big, expensive B movie that will be fun for your kids and a decent eye-roller for you. It's also the sort of empty and over-budgeted movie that requires that you drop nine bucks to go see it, but hey, that horse left the barn long ago. On the other hand, if you're looking for inspiring myth (or even exciting action), then leave this one for the Netflix queue and wait to see what comes out this summer.



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