The well dried up quite a while back and damn it all I just don't think I can squeeze any more blood out of these turnips that were my solitary inheritance.

All the mandatory topics are just too tiresome now. I mean, how many news cycles in a row can you flog poor old Hillary Clinton for confusing memory and imagination and still care yourself, much less expect anybody else to care what your idiot old ass thinks about it?

Not that this comes as any surprise. The nowadays novels suck, the non-fiction is garbage, the poetry hobbles on bloody stumps, so-called editors are all failed bartenders and masseurs – so why should there be success in the lower-aspiring inky arts, if you can call this jerking-off trade adjunct an art?

Maybe you could call it that once. Before somebody, perhaps himself, hatched the absurdity that what Buckley said might be as meritorious as how. But no more, no more, God help us here in the American dusk of Thomas Sowell, Cal Thomas, and their imitator legion, and in the fungal parochial must of those poor numb atomic-wedgied op-eders and lifestylers at the AD-G.

It's a rare Highway Dept. patching crew that doesn't do a better job of filling a hole.

For instance after you've unburdened yourself of the following, you ought to be able to just sit down and shut up: It's not about oil. It's not about terrorism. It's not about whether you want Jesus or Mohammed as your escort into eternity. It's about having the world's greatest country and being powerless to keep stupid, loutish people from taking control of it, squandering its influence, finally defining it.

But having said that wheelbarrowful, the occupational vicissitudes require additional truckloads of promiscuous fill. Aye, you could restate your manifest 20 times in the given space like an old forgetful obsessive-compulsive telegrapher, but the most benign consequence of that would likely be to win you a reputation as a slacker. Either that or oblige you to take a 95 percent cut in pay. Reruns being acceptable, even preferable, on TV – but in the paper considered bad form, a kind of misdemeanor gyp, an ominous conceit, or at best evidence of indolence or compositional constipation — notice of attempts at them to be entered upon your permanent record.

OK, I think part of the reason for the rambling here, the circumlocution, or chaos, might be this: lightning struck just outside my open bedroom window last night and ever since there's been a certain agitation, a kind of electro-chemical dance, going on amongst my synapses. I'm beginning to think of it as a case of home delivery of a gotcha bolt by the April Fool. I apologize for it but what am I supposed to do?

Something else I just remembered: I recently encountered an old acquaintance, now a charismatic, who barked at me for what seemed half an hour in the Unknown Tongue. I don't know, religious ecstasy or epilepsy, who can tell? I couldn't even get the gist of it but I sensed reproof, and it left me unsettled and not as attentive as usual to such matters as maintaining structural integrity and keeping one's train of thought on the express track and off of sidings. Too, hard to admit but undeniable, senility has commenced to cat-feet up the ol' moi horizon.

Do you think there were people in Old Rome who were embarrassed at what the future would think of them that they had allowed inbred pervert thugs and monsters to take rule of them, corrupt their reputation, and finally poison their memory? I expect there were, but people who are ashamed would rather not have to explain to posterity. It's trouble enough explaining to yourself, or to those looking to you for suggestions.

Bush is the decider and I gather my assignment is to be one of the suggesters. Me and Robert Novak and Ann Coulter and them. A slew of us. There are some honorary suggesters, too, such as the Baker-Hamilton Iraq Study Group, ignored by the decider except when he's in need of a few laffs.

Turned out the decider had more stamina for deciding than I did for suggesting, my last being as I remember that whoever thought up the duct-tape Homeland Security bunker should be invited to fold one of the sons-a-bitches five ways and stick it where the moon don't shine. What would be the point of my suggesting further? To bolster you'uns of the dwindling tirelessly sane element? Negatory, good buddy, there's hardier and less wheezy support for you abroad, much of the locally available quotient regularly appearing in these very pages.

Faculty may scatter but there's no flagging of heart, far as I can tell. Remedy is Out There, I'm still confident. I know for a fact, for example, that I could go down here to Karla's coffee shop at any hour of any day that it's open and pick out from among the loiterery there at least four stalwarts any one of whom would make a better president than John F. McCain, Barack F. Obama, Hillary F. Clinton, or Ralph F. Nader. Even if you told me that none of my four picks could be relatives of mine. Or fellow Campbellites. Or known sots.


From the ArkTimes store


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • So much for a school settlement in Pulaski County

    The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's Cynthia Howell got the scoop on what appears to be coming upheaval in the Pulaski County School District along with the likely end of any chance of a speedy resolution of school desegregation issues in Pulaski County.
  • Riverfest calls it quits

    The board of directors of Riverfest, Arkansas's largest and longest running music festival, announced today that the festival will no longer be held. Riverfest celebrated its 40th anniversary in June. A press release blamed competition from other festivals and the rising cost of performers fees for the decision.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »


2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Pay attention

    • Adawson's comments attribute the plight of black people in the United States to the War…

    • on July 22, 2017
  • Re: Pay attention

    • Heather Wilson, blacks have NOT been prevented from pursuing the skilled trades as a result…

    • on July 22, 2017
  • Re: Another Jesus

    • Gee, so you were there when Jesus spoke - how old you must be. First-person…

    • on July 22, 2017

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation