Favorite

Tarball Yodda Yodda 

Tarball Yodda Yodda

Friday night football is back again, and I don't want to let the season pass without another appeal to update our team names and mascots.

The names in use today are so 20th century. How long since you were scared stiff by a wampus cat, a curley wolf, a grizzly bear? Yet those remain the operative symbols or totems or embodiments of the kind of ferocity we expect from our schoolboy athletes. Replace them, I say, with some more contemporary boogers. Slime weasels, loan sharks, staphylococci.

Our ancestors had to contend with wildcats, bobcats, leopards, panthers, badgers, bearcats, cougars, and bears, but we don't — and virtual encounters with Evil Otto or Robocrook are about the closest our offspring and descendants come.

Even the non-scary mascots have become antiquated, and many were inappropriate from the gitgo — for example, five teams still named for Indian tribes, and not a one of them for the tribes that were native to Arkansas or prominent here. A dozen Bulldogs and not one Blue-Tick Hound.

Back in my playing days (the early Jurassic) for the Sheridan Yellowjackets, I never came to appreciate being assigned a stupid bug as my doppelganger or avatar — an indignity I shared with players from Fordyce, Bryant, Wynne, Clinton, and Harmony Grove, among others, and the big boys from Arkansas A&M. Yellowjackets are still out there, I suppose, but a minor consideration in Century 21, like poison ivy, and we don't even have Boll Weevils in Arkansas anymore.

And so forth.

So here are some update team-name nominations.

Alma Airedales become the Alma Alamos. Ashdown Panthers become the Ashdown Awesomes. Altus Owls become the Altus Spodie Odies.

Bald Knob Bulldogs become the Bald Knob Gobblers. OK, then, Turkeys. Jeez, I'm not trying to offend anybody here. Barton Bears become the Barton Finks. Or Coliseums. Batesville Pioneers become the Bates(ville) Motel Psychos. Bauxite Miners (with Reynolds and Alcoa long gone) become the Bauxite Whatever. Benton Panthers become the Benton Slingblades. Brinkley Tigers become the Brinkley Hinkies. Bryant Hornets become the Bry(Fire)Ants.

Calico Rock Pirates become the Calico Rock Stars. Cave City Cavemen give way to the Cave City Geckos. Clarksville Panthers become the Clarksville Snarks. Clinton Yellowjackets become the Clinton Willards. Conway Wampus Cats become the Conway Twittiers.

Dardanelle Sand Lizards become the Dardanellys. Delight Bulldogs become the Delight Fantastics. DeQueen Leopards somehow or other become the Bohemian Rhapsody. Dierks Outlaws become the Dierks Dorks. Dumas Bobcats become the Dumas Deep Doo-Doo.

Earle Bulldogs become the Earle Snoop Doggs. Elaine Panthers become the Elaine Yodda Yoddas. Fayetteville Bulldogs become the Fayetteville Triumph FMTPOs. Flippin Bobcats become the Flippin Burgers. Fordyce Redbugs become the Fordyce Bedbugs.

Glen Rose Beavers become the Glen Rose Pencil-neck Gleeks. Greenbrier Panthers become the Greenbrier Gnarly Dudes. Green Forest Tigers become the Green Forest Gumps. Guy-Perkins Thunderbirds become the Guy Caballeros.

Hope Bobcats become the Hope High High Hopes. Hot Springs Trojans become the Hot Springs Trojans-ENZ.

Jonesboro Hurricane becomes the Jonesboro Jonesing.

Lake Village Beavers become the Lake Village People. Little Rock Catholic Rockets become the Catholic High Mass. Little Rock Central Tigers become the Little Rock Central Perennial Integration Crisis Anniversary Rehashers. Lonoke Jackrabbits become the Lonoke Loogies.

Magnolia Panthers become the Magnolia True Bloods. Marvell Mustangs become the Marvell Comix.

Newark Kangaroos become some more appropriate marsupial. Possums perhaps. Or Papooses.

Osceola Seminoles become the Osceola Obese. Ouachita Warriors become the Ouachita Puddytats.

Paragould Rams become the Paragould Ponzis Schemes. Paris Eagles become the Paris Hiltons. Piggott Mohawks become the Piggott Packers. (Heat, not meat).

Searcy Lions become the Searcy Saved. Shiloh Christian Saints become the Shiloh Christian Eyeblack Scripture Quoters. Smackover Buckaroos become the Smackover Yonders. Star City Bulldogs become the Star City Spin.

Texarkana Razorbacks become the Texarkana Texters. Turrell Rockets become the Turrell Tarballs. Tuckerman Bulldogs become the Tuckerman Tweets.

Umpire Wildcats become the Umpire Undead.

Watson Chapel Wildcats become the Watson Chapel WTFs. West Memphis Blue Devils become the West Memphis We-bads. White Hall Bulldogs become the White Hall WMDs Winslow Squirrels become the Winslow Homers.

Yellville Panthers become the Yellville Youbetchas. Or You Lies.

Favorite

From the ArkTimes store

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • So much for a school settlement in Pulaski County

    The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's Cynthia Howell got the scoop on what appears to be coming upheaval in the Pulaski County School District along with the likely end of any chance of a speedy resolution of school desegregation issues in Pulaski County.
  • Riverfest calls it quits

    The board of directors of Riverfest, Arkansas's largest and longest running music festival, announced today that the festival will no longer be held. Riverfest celebrated its 40th anniversary in June. A press release blamed competition from other festivals and the rising cost of performers fees for the decision.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

July

S M T W T F S
  1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.
  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Another Jesus

    • And I quote, "It makes complete sense that a God who favors a man who…

    • on July 19, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation