Favorite

The Observer March 2 

When all the restaurants in the area go smoke-free (we’re being optimistic here), The Observer thinks those that were partitioned to separate the smokers from the non-smokers should keep the dividers up to separate cell phone from non-cell phone users.

Cell phone users in restaurants are becoming increasingly rude. Peeps: We’re eating, we’re conversing with our table, and we don’t want to hear your end of a phone call. There’s a reason payphones are housed in glassed boxes or put in an area away from the public.

When cell phones first surged in popularity, they were used discreetly in public places, especially restaurants. The user might step outside to make a call or take one, especially one that might last longer than “I gotta call you back.” He or she might even apologize for the interruption.

The trend now, however, is toward louder conversations within earshot of the unlucky souls who came to dine at the same time.

The topper for us came at, of all places, a Wendy’s restaurant, where only three or four tables were occupied. This diner, all alone, loudly let us all in on a lengthy conversation better carried on in private: admonition of the person on the other end for an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, choice of friends (bad) and relationships (bad), a running down of others, and a lot of other gossip.

So, sitting in the cell phone section of Wendy’s, we thought: Why not a new meaning for booth? If you asked for one, you would be led to a sound-proofed, glassed-in table, and your toxic conversations would go no further than your fork. No more sidestream gossip, that’s what we want!



The Observer was passed a story recently from the Associated Press about a woman who found a bird’s head inside her can of pinto beans.

The La Preferida brand beans were recalled, the AP reported. But it did not say what kind of bird the head belonged to. Our correspondent worried that it could have been the head of our hard-to-find ivory-billed woodpecker.

He need not have. The bill would not have fit into a 15-ounce can of beans. An ovenbird is more likely, given the gustatory nature of the container. Thank goodness it (apparently) wasn’t a swallow.



Wouldn’t you know it?

When Floy Luppen decided to give up driving and sell her car, she was parting with a 1992 Ford Taurus whose career had been spent traveling no more than just a few blocks, from home to Terry’s Grocery and Smith’s Drug and back. It had only 43,000 miles on it.

No sooner was it sold — with the tag unintentionally left on — than the Taurus went on the trip of its life, being used as the getaway car after a robbery in West Little Rock. The police called Mrs. Luppen, who thoroughly enjoyed the news that her car had at last seen some excitement. “I don’t think it had ever gone very fast,” she told The Observer.



Re the mention last week of zombie dreams: We have been put on notice that the premier zombie reference work is “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks. “It is required reading,” a reader informs us.

We knew there would be at least one reader out there who would appreciate our musings on zombies.



The Observer is shorthanded this week, to the tune of one, and is wondering what a unidexter can write about using only the left side of the keyboard. We’d have to write about sewers and stars and sad faces and T rex and the raw taste of waste. We’d feast, rest, see a red serf draft a stage farce.

Drat! Gad! 2 few 2 wrest a start.


Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Max Brantley

  • Sarah Sanders' bad day on the race beat

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders was nailed again yesterday for peddling baloney in a White House press briefing. For once, she acknowledged it, grudgingly and with more spin. But that wasn't all for her on the racially fraught Trump front.
    • Aug 15, 2018
  • George McGill wins Fort Smith mayor's race

    Democratic State Rep. George McGill handily won election Tuesday night as mayor of Fort Smith.
    • Aug 15, 2018
  • Governor responds to Medicaid work rule lawsuit

    Gov. Asa Hutchinson has responded sharply to the lawsuit challenging the legality of the state's new work requirement for Medicaid coverage and also criticizing the online-only reporting requirement. His statement:
    • Aug 14, 2018
  • More »

More by Arkansas Times Staff

Readers also liked…

  • On Walmart and state money

    No they don't need state help. Any conservative legislator who is true to their tea party principles will crow on about crony capitalism. I look forward to deafening silence.
    • Sep 21, 2017
  • On shitholes

    The Observer is at home today in our kitty cat socks, weathering a combination sick day and snow day. Way down in Stifft Station, we live at the top of a hill that slopes away in all directions. That's good in a flood, but piss poor other than for sledding during snow and ice, especially when you only have access to a two-wheel drive car.
    • Jan 18, 2018
  • The job

    The Observer and Mr. Photographer were headed across town on our way to another press conference the other day when we got to talking about The Job. Newspaperin'.
    • Mar 15, 2018

Latest in The Observer

  • Big secrets

    The Observer, like a lot of Americans, has got our secrets, but for the most part they're so boring they couldn't even excite the senses or loins of one of those housebound, horngry Incels we've heard so much about on the news of late.
    • Aug 9, 2018
  • Drum beat

    The Observer exited our Wednesday night Zumba class at the People's Gym (the Jim Dailey Fitness & Aquatic Center) into an event the likes of which we'd never seen before: A bevy of marching bands had descended upon War Memorial Park for some sort of high-stakes competition.
    • Aug 2, 2018
  • The Newseum

    As you know if you watched this space, The Observer and family are recently returned from our summer sojourn in Washington, D.C., having hit all the monuments and a good bit of the Smithsonian museums, plus several of the greater and lesser burger joints and burrito rollers on Capitol Hill.
    • Jul 26, 2018
  • More »

Most Recent Comments

 

© 2018 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation