Favorite

Torture tour 

So far as is known, the Bro.-Gov.’s prison expertise consists of his vast sympathy in expediting the quick release of the Natural State’s worst murderers and rapists and drunk drivers. It apparently hurts him to see them wasting all that time behind bars when they could be out murdering others, or raping them, or careening about behind the wheel with any number of gourds of corn aboard.

Nonetheless the Bro.-Gov. and a gubernatorial passel — Republicans, you would assume — wangled an invite from the Defense Department to come on down to Guantanamo and have a look around the notorious detention center where the weasel likes of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh pine to be sent with carte blanche and a full bag of torture tools.

This is just a hunch, but I’m betting the Bro.-Gov. and his party didn’t get to see much of the storied Gitmo torture or many of the tortured. I’m betting that the prisoners trotted out for their inspection were well-fed rascals with nary a rubber-hose welt. Prisoners just full of appreciation for all the undeserved hospitality they’ve received since arriving at the Rock.

The porcine wardens at Cummins used to parade out just such starched, happy convict specimens when the curious and conscience-stricken would occasionally dispatch high-profile representatives to check out the gothic rumors of peapatch flayings and living men walking around with country-fried schlongs. These old-time Delta inspection tours usually concluded with a rousing concert by the prison band, originally named the DanDees, at which a good time was inevitably, at least reportedly, had by all.

Solzhenitsyn fans will recall the grimly humorous scene in one of his great novels in which one of the gulag death camps was all gussied up — for about an hour it was just a swell place — for a whirlwind Red Cross inspection led by Eleanor Roosevelt.

In staging something similar to that at Guantanamo to edify the Bro.-Gov. et. al, Defense would have been p.r.ing to a couple of audiences.

One, they’d have been hoping to convince back-home cranks and bleeding-hearts that prisoners of this well-treated type are the rule rather than the exception there on the bay, and that the lumpy, snaggled, unsteady ones who look like Beetle Bailey after a Sgt. Snorkel working-over — the ones who’ve had their genitals sprayed with pig fat, their personal Korans snatched and peed on — are just a relative few malcontents of the kind who, as the saying goes, would complain if you hung them with a new rope.

The other audience would’ve been waverers among the terrorist horde. If Guantanamo were portrayed as a sufficiently fetching destination by witnesses known for their reliability and objectivity rather than for their brown noses — in short by witnesses such as the Bro.-Gov., who surely would bite his tongue before making a public partisan misrepresentation — then some might be convinced to give themselves up rather than to blow themselves up.

Guantanamo would be like a vacation for them, with only a short amount of down time, then they’d only have to sign a pledge or something and we’d give them their 40 virgins and haul them back home.

The whole dynamic of the War on Terror might thereby be changed.

Worth a try anyway. Beats payola to administration-friendly commentators that no terrorist ever heard of.

The news accounts of this particular inspection tour suggested that Defense might be looking for something from these governors besides serving as stooge-of-the-day propagandists. The notion seemed afoot in Defense that it might actually learn something about prison management from these birds. This is a new concept and a radical departure at the federal level: A federal department seeking advice, or at least pretending to, from local officials with real experience in crisis management. Think how much better off FEMA and its imbecile apologists would’ve been if they’d done likewise with the Katrina disaster. Turned it over to the governors of the affected states and said, “You tell us what to do.” Bro.-Gov. could’ve and would’ve told them a thing or three, and had they heeded him, much suffering and billions of dollars would’ve been saved. A myriad of tarmac house trailers wouldn’t stand unoccupied. Getting the Big Guy in for totally bogus shirtsleeve aftermath photos wouldn’t have been a priority for a single one of those governors — not even the goomer from Mississippi.

Maybe the Bro.-Gov. had no useful prison-management ideas for Guantanamo. He should have, given this state’s extensive experience with bad pub over prison torture, but hey, even if he slept through this inspection tour as the GFY veep snored through the Chinese premier’s visit at around the same time, his silliest en-route dreams would make sounder, prouder policy than what the Keystone Kops at Guantanamo have come up with so far.

The president might actually have mulled it for a fleeting moment, letting these experienced home folks try to salvage America’s good name from this sorry mess. “You tell us what to do.”

His support already down to that of the three monkeys, what did he have to lose?

Favorite

From the ArkTimes store

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Bob Lancaster

  • Wretched rez

    I had some New Year's Rez(olutions) for 2016 but that ship sailed so I'm renaming them my Spring Rez or my All-Occasion Whatevers and sending them along.
    • May 26, 2016
  • Nod to Bob

    A look back at the weird and wonderful world of Bob Lancaster.
    • Mar 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • More »

Most Shared

  • So much for a school settlement in Pulaski County

    The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's Cynthia Howell got the scoop on what appears to be coming upheaval in the Pulaski County School District along with the likely end of any chance of a speedy resolution of school desegregation issues in Pulaski County.
  • Riverfest calls it quits

    The board of directors of Riverfest, Arkansas's largest and longest running music festival, announced today that the festival will no longer be held. Riverfest celebrated its 40th anniversary in June. A press release blamed competition from other festivals and the rising cost of performers fees for the decision.
  • Football for UA Little Rock

    Andrew Rogerson, the new chancellor at UA Little Rock, has decided to study the cost of starting a major college football team on campus (plus a marching band). Technically, it would be a revival of football, dropped more than 60 years ago when the school was a junior college.
  • Turn to baseball

    When the world threatens to get you down, there is always baseball — an absorbing refuge, an alternate reality entirely unto itself.

Latest in Bob Lancaster

  • Lancaster retires

    Bob Lancaster, one of the Arkansas Times longest and most valued contributors, retired from writing his column last week. We’ll miss his his contributions mightily. Look out, in the weeks to come, for a look back at some of his greatest hits. In the meantime, here's a good place to start.

    • Feb 21, 2013
  • On black history

    If you're going to devote an entire month to appreciating the history of a color, it might as well be the color black.
    • Feb 14, 2013
  • Making it through

    Made it through another January, thank the Lord.
    • Feb 6, 2013
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

July

S M T W T F S
  1
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31  

Most Viewed

  • Another Jesus

    If you follow the logic of Jason Rapert and his supporters, God is very pleased so many have donated money to rebuild a giant stone slab with some rules on it. A few minutes on Rapert's Facebook page (if he hasn't blocked you yet) also shows his supporters believe that Jesus wants us to lock up more people in prison, close our borders to those in need and let poor Americans fend for themselves for food and health care.
  • Pay attention

    If anyone thinks that a crisis with the Power Ultra Lounge shooting, then he hasn't been paying attention to Little Rock.

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Football for UA Little Rock

    • He's BSC. Students and tuition-paying parents should be VERY vocal that a football program won't…

    • on July 23, 2017
  • Re: Pay attention

    • I have attended community meetings about the recent spike in violence in LR, and police…

    • on July 22, 2017
  • Re: Pay attention

    • Adawson's comments attribute the plight of black people in the United States to the War…

    • on July 22, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation