'Ted 2' can't sort itself out.

'TED TOO MANY': Amanda Seyfried  and Mark Wahlberg star.
  • 'TED TOO MANY': Amanda Seyfried and Mark Wahlberg star.

If you are an adolescent male or a consumer of so massive a quantity of pot that your brain cells are no longer functioning properly, "Ted 2" is for you.

"Ted 2" begins with a living teddy bear, Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane), marrying his true love, Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). Immediately, I realized that maybe I should've seen "Ted 1" first. I mean, how did this buxom blonde fall for a stuffed animal who says things like, "I'm going to go 50 Shades of Bear on you tonight"? What was this constant referral to "thunder buddies for life"? I figured I'd sort it out later in the movie, but I never did, and it didn't really matter, because the movie can't even sort itself out.

Is it a tasteless, raunchy sex farce? Because Ted has no male parts, he can't produce a baby to save his flailing marriage to Tami-Lynn (which is too realistically portrayed, with its arguments too painful to be considered funny). They try increasingly desperate measures, from asking "Flash Gordon" actor Sam Jones to donate his sperm to trying to steal some from Tom Brady (whose member glows majestically when they lift the sheet on his sleeping body). They go to Ted's friend John (Mark Wahlberg) for a donation and, through a mishap, knock over a shelf and become covered in donations unused because they contain sickle cell ("You're covered in rejected black guy sperm," Ted tells John. "You look like a Kardashian."). But none of the sperm even matters: Because of excessive drug use, Tami-Lynn is infertile, and in a last-ditch attempt, she and Ted turn to adoption. It's through the filing of adoption paperwork that they discover the driving force behind the rest of the movie: They cannot adopt because Ted does not have legal status as a person. While they've flown under the radar thus far, they have now drawn attention to themselves and may, from here on out, experience legal difficulties.

So is it a raunchy courtroom farce? Ted and John are too poor to afford a lawyer, so they get pro bono representation from Sam (Amanda Seyfried). At first Ted and John are wary of a recent law school graduate, but once she takes a hit off a bong right there in her law office (medicinal, for "migraines"), Ted and John are all in. Sam is inducted into her clients' world (where "Tuesday nights [they] get fucked up and throw apples at joggers") and her clients fumble their way around her world, where Ted sings soul music to relate to a black judge and declares, "I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos." Obviously, they lose the case.

Maybe it's a raunchy buddy comedy? Ted, John and Sam take off cross-country to seek an audience with a civil rights attorney (Morgan Freeman). The only bong Sam brings with her is one shaped like a penis; Ted can't help but indulge, and John can't help but post a photo of it, #myamazingsummer. Initially Freeman refuses to represent them, proclaiming, "The important thing about being human is making a contribution to society."

And "Ted 2" certainly does not do that. "Ted 2" is not a buddy comedy, not a farce, not a deep reflection on personhood. It is, as this reviewer's companion called it, a "weed movie." I wasn't in the right frame of mind that night to appreciate it and, at the age of 41, I'm afraid I never will be.


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