Here are some predictions for 2011.

The active voice will sneak into one of Wally Hall's columns, and as a result the crap will be scared out of him.

Secretary of State Mark Martin will claim the State Capitol's gold dome as one of the "spoils of war" for having won election last November, and will have the dome pried off and placed atop the back-yard gazebo at his home where Nut intersects with Crackpot in the Twilight Zone.

For appearance's sake, or just to deprive Darwinists of one of their snark points, Creationists will begin eschewing bananas.

Among recovered little-known Arkansiana will be that the loganberry was named for a knight in the First Crusade.

The degeneration of the mainstream media that began in 1993 and now has virtually all the once-proud and powerful outlets at death's door will be found to have been caused by a virus.

Those who predicted that the world would end on May 21 will be dismayed when May 22 breaks as usual, and plods along much as May 22nds have since yabba dabba doo.

The Huckabees will decline an invitation to appear on Dancing with the Stars lest someone in their denomination mistake it for televised sexual intercourse.

A shepherd boy will discover artifacts from the DeSoto Expedition — including a stone pipe with skunkweed ash still in the bowl and a stupid grin on a jawbone fragment — in a small cave near Magnet Cove.

A new Conservative Bible will retain all the familiar passages about faith and hope but eliminate all those about charity.

UAPB will adopt a ball-game cheer in which white students in the bleachers chorus in unison, "Yowzer! Yowzer! Yowzer!"

Congress will impeach President Obama for the high crimes and misdemeanors of being a Negro and foreign-born.

Arkansas will become the nation's fourth leading producer of tomatoes not fit for human consumption.

Supermarket tabs will say Arkansas Second District Rep. Tim Griffin is the illegitimate son of Karl Rove, wags will begin to call him KR Jr., or KR Fitzjunior, or just Junior, and he will show his annoyance by threatening to have them caged.

The church janitor recently elected state land commissioner will resign in favor of another church janitor who needs the job more and who has no idea what a land commissioner does, either.

The Republican Party will dump the elephant as its mascot and symbolic embodiment and go with something more up-to-date and appropriate, the weasel.

Sarah Palin will propose a baby-seal clubbing contest to eliminate the pussies among the 2012 Republican presidential contenders.

In an attempt to show that he can be as hip as the next guy, Rush Limbaugh will have his jowls pierced, but not even an MRI will be able to find the studs.

It will be discovered that neither of Arkansas's U.S. senators casts a shadow.

Sheffield Nelson will sue the state Game and Fish Commission, claiming it is introducing into Central Arkansas wetlands large alligators with special tracking chips implanted in their brains intended to cause them to waddle into the metroplex and find him and eat him.

State Rep. Loy Mauch will introduce legislation to ban the recitation of Walt Whitman's elegy "O Captain! My Captain!" in Arkansas public school classrooms.

President Obama will sign a proposal requiring him to make concessions that will anger his base before signing any proposal, including that one.

Jimmy Hoffa's remains will be discovered — the bird entrails refuse to tell me exactly where — and positively identified.

The University of Arkansas at Fayetteville will loosen or weaken academic standards further, until there are only three of them left.

Following the lead of Congress, the Arkansas state legislature will repeal all state taxes on anyone who can afford to pay them.

Lt. Gov. Mark Darr will push legislation to make abortion providers and abortion recipients forever ineligible to receive Arkansas Traveler certificates.

Texas will require public-school history textbooks to claim that Phyllis Schlafly and Newt Gingrich, perhaps in previous incarnations, fought alongside Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett at the Alamo. (Of the two, I think the Schlafly claim is more credible.)

In an attempt to placate the new evangelical Tea Party mayor of Hot Springs, Oaklawn Park will glue pictures of saints and apostles on its slot machines over those of kings, queens, jacks, lemons, cherries and big red No. 7's.

David O. Dodd or a reasonable facsimile will be rehanged as part of the Arkansas celebration of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War.  Also, descendants of Confederate soldiers in Gen. Albert Pike's Indian brigade will scalp descendants of black Union soldiers from Kansas in a re-enactment of the Battle of Poison Spring near Camden.



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