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RAPERT - BRIAN CHILSON
  • Brian Chilson
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When completed, the Ten Commandments monument on the state Capitol lawn will be the exact size, shape and weight of the vaguely humming black monolith that appeared at the foot of Conway Sen. Jason Rapert's bed in June 2010 and later elevated his consciousness from apelike semi-sentience to incrementally less apelike semi-sentience.

Arkansas Times entertainment editor and singer Stephanie Smittle can hit a note so high that — solely using the sound of her voice — she can spontaneously shatter anyone who asks her to sing a cover of "Mustang Sally" during bar gigs.

As proven at an event held during their annual Merkinfest Days festival in 2014, the entire population of the tiny town of Merkin Fork in Newton County can simultaneously fit inside a single cousin.

If you search for the term "Do a barrel roll" on Google, the page will actually flip, imitating a barrel roll. Also, if you search for the term "Can I get pregnant at 14?" on Google, you will soon find yourself frantically donating to Planned Parenthood.

During this year's legislative session, members of the Arkansas General Assembly doing that "I'll just shift in my chair and clear my throat so nobody will notice" thing will collectively expel enough methane gas to fill 11 full-size hot-air balloons.

If a Little Rock-born Gen-Xer says "1994" three times into the mirror of the men's room at Vino's at exactly midnight on a Friday in July, that person will be instantly whisked back to the carefree days of youth, before the drudgery of existence and crushing responsibility made every day blur into nothing more than a dishwater gray shadow of the life full of music, sex and fun they once knew. Just kidding. You're stuck here, dude. Get back to work.

In all of recorded medical history, there has never been a case of a person who was born blind who later developed schizophrenia, which would suggest there is either something about not being able to see the world that insulates peoples' minds from the disease, or something about being able to see the world that brings it on. No, seriously. This one's real. You can look it up. Also, if you can see this, you might get schizophrenia.

According to data collected in 2016 by the popular online pornography site pornhub.com, the term Arkansans searched for most often on that website last year was: "The Pine Bluff Clutch." Don't Google that.

Following a massive 2015 research project drawing on a detailed analysis of over 23,000 human/canine pairs, scientists at the University of Michigan at Flint determined that the reason your dog hangs his head out the car window while you're driving is because your taste in music is so bad he's considering suicide. Also, you stink.

In the time you'll spend reading this sentence, former Razorback and 103.7 The Buzz radio host David Bazzel's sense of his own attractiveness will have grown by between 4 and 7 percent, depending on his level of access to hair care products.

The weird, whistling-poppy noise your lungs make when you're trying to fall asleep? Probably cancer.

If lined up end-to-end, Little Rock's many cupcakeries, pre-popped popcorn stores and franchised frozen yogurt shops would stretch all the way to bankruptcy court.

Drawing on clues found in ancient Aramaic scrolls housed at the University of Tel Aviv, theologians now believe that Jesus Christ will return on Friday, May 19, 2017, to the White Water Tavern, where He and His band will play a sludge metal set that's OK, but nothing to really write home about. Tickets $10 in advance, $12 day of show.


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