Favorite

Words, Dec. 27 

A convicted murderer wrote in his clemency application that he wanted freedom in order to achieve “closure to a bad decision I made at age 20 for the victim's family as well as my family. To put this behind us and move on.” The word closure would never get clemency from me, but I'm more concerned with the use of bad decision. Not plugging the parking meter is a bad decision. Clubbing an 84-year-old man to death while robbing his grocery store needs stronger language.

Bad decision reminds me of “The Euphemism Hall of Fame” by Mark Peters, published in Funny Times. The Hall includes badly sourced, used by errant journalists to describe their articles. It means “false,” but it suggests that the sources are at fault, not the reporter who put the falsehoods in print. He just made a bad decision. Controlled flight into terrain (CFIT) is there too. “The Flight Safety Foundation writes that ‘CFIT occurs when an airworthy aircraft under the control of the flight crew is flown unintentionally into terrain, obstacles or water, usually with no prior awareness by the crew.' According to my secret decoder ring, that's a plane crash.” And subterranean strengths. “Name expert Maryanna Korwitts says people named Natalie have subterranean strengths — this might be the faintest, most backhanded praise of my lifetime. Roughly translated, ‘Your daughter has subterranean strengths' means ‘This kid has good points that are so hard to find, you need an oil drill the size of a dinosaur.' ”

How excellent are they?

Two hundred and forty Arkansans will lose their jobs because a plant in Blytheville is being closed, its functions moved to China. A newspaper article quoted a management representative: “Peterson said Tuesday that employees will receive excellent benefits, including early retirement packages, severance and outplacement services.”

Excellent benefits are like minor surgery — they're what the other fellow has. Our own unemployment benefits are nowhere near what we need and deserve, our surgery is the most major on record.

Favorite

From the ArkTimes store

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Doug Smith

  • The L word and the C word

    I was excited to see the newspaper headline "Bielema liberal." "After all those neo-Nazis, we've finally got a coach who thinks right," I told friends. "I wonder if he belongs to the ADA."
    • May 1, 2014
  • Who's exasperated?

    Jim Newell was gripped by exasperation himself after reading this item in the business section. "Exacerbated" is the word the writer wanted, he sagely suggests.
    • Apr 24, 2014
  • We will run no race before it's ripe

    "What year would Oaklawn recognize as its 100th anniversary? After all, Oaklawn's advertising material is ripe with 'Since 1904,' but it's widely reported the first race wasn't run until 1905."
    • Apr 17, 2014
  • More »

More by Paul Peterson

  • That’s the spirit

    ‘Simple Christmas’ sticks it to critics.
    • Jan 14, 2010
  • Holiday blend

    take equal parts arena rock and classical, fuse with Christmas carols and serve rock opera style. Then sprinkle with violins, 14 vocalists, two narrators, state-of-the-art pyro and lasers and you've about got the essence of Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
    • Dec 19, 2009
  • Holiday blend

    Take equal parts arena rock and classical, fuse with Christmas carols and serve rock opera style. Then sprinkle with violins, 14 vocalists, two narrators, state-of-the-art pyro and lasers and you've about got it.
    • Dec 18, 2009
  • More »

Most Shared

  • Hutchinson lobbyist moves to Teacher Retirement System

    Rett Hatcher, director of legislative affairs for Gov. Asa Hutchinson, has left the governor's staff to go to work Wednesday as deputy director of the Arkansas Teacher Retirement System.
  • Obamascare

    Republicans at long last may be about to see their most fervent wishes and wildest predictions materialize — millions of people losing their medical and hospital coverage, unaffordable insurance, lost jobs, a Medicare financial crisis, mushrooming federal budget deficits and fiscal crises across state governments.
  • Megyn vs. Alex

    As vigorously hyped broadcast events go, Megyn Kelly's televised confrontation with internet conspiracy cultist Alex Jones proved something of a dud.
  • Monkey wrenches

    Junior is 17 now, and shows no interest in driving, or even taking the driving test. It's got his Old Man a little concerned, and not just because we're running a car service for one these days.

Latest in Words

  • The L word and the C word

    I was excited to see the newspaper headline "Bielema liberal." "After all those neo-Nazis, we've finally got a coach who thinks right," I told friends. "I wonder if he belongs to the ADA."
    • May 1, 2014
  • Who's exasperated?

    Jim Newell was gripped by exasperation himself after reading this item in the business section. "Exacerbated" is the word the writer wanted, he sagely suggests.
    • Apr 24, 2014
  • We will run no race before it's ripe

    "What year would Oaklawn recognize as its 100th anniversary? After all, Oaklawn's advertising material is ripe with 'Since 1904,' but it's widely reported the first race wasn't run until 1905."
    • Apr 17, 2014
  • More »

Event Calendar

« »

June

S M T W T F S
  1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30  

Most Recent Comments

  • Re: Megyn vs. Alex

    • But I do agree with him about the interview - Megyn Kelly rocked. Ridicule works.

    • on June 23, 2017
  • Re: Megyn vs. Alex

    • Good point. Your ratios don't make much sense, but a good point. I was not…

    • on June 23, 2017
  • Re: Megyn vs. Alex

    • @ investigator's, " I wonder why Lyons didn't also mention the absurd allegation that Donald…

    • on June 23, 2017
 

© 2017 Arkansas Times | 201 East Markham, Suite 200, Little Rock, AR 72201
Powered by Foundation